Mine

Long has it been since I felt this empty,

This girl pranced around me,

danced around me,

pranked about me,

I took no notice.

Shorter than I but prettier,

Sweeter than I but lovelier,

Now and then, this girl, this beautiful girl,

Tug at her favorite shirt,

Scratched my arms, wrung hers around my elbows,

Took a pinch at my cheek and tapped my shoulder,

Yet I still took no notice.

She was flying away and so was I,

One last time, we slapped our hands against the other,

Bade farewell, wishing to meet where Dreams were conjured.

I beckoned all the courage in me and took no notice,

But alas, Cupid whirled that noose above his head,

Sent her with it and dragged me by my heart.

She felled me.

Her face, oh her beautiful face.
The heliophile she was, charmed the stars too,

The Nearest sent her gifts everyday,
Rays that darted through the clouds,

Maneuvered around the Californian urban,

Bounced off the scanty foliage,

Sat at the window pane.

Waiting for her tiny eyes to open, they stay put,

Lest they hurt the most wonderful woman they ever saw.

They beseeched her to let them kiss her lips,

And as she let her bangs loose,

The silky strands of her hair fell over her beautiful nose,

And the rays cavorted across the bed

Hugged her around the tresses,

And warmly trod over the cracks of her morning lips.

The day was beautiful,

Her presence embellished the vista of her country house

But, no one knew what destiny had in store that day.

She pandiculated and yawned,

And felt something amiss

Only to realize she had lost a piece dear,

She fell to her knees in search

My love, she fell to her knees,

She swept the floors with her soft hands,

Hurting her were the shards of dreams, broken,

She hurtled herself into the abyss of sinners,

Sinners who never made it big,

Sinners who never fought those that disparaged,

Sinners who succumbed to the pains of life,
Sinners who shackled themselves to chains of mundane,

Little did she know, she was not in the wrong…

I was.

A leech in her bloodstream,

A louse amidst strands of ambitions,

A mosquito, who was sucking her pulse,

I seek redemption, oh Lord,

For the blood that I’ve taken,

The purest I have known.

She was my all,

She was my thangam,

She was my all,

My first true love,

She was my all,

Mine.

Emotional baggages and passion

I am at fault for a brief break from writing the journal. I have been busy packing, I am done with one box and I am in a pickle, wherein my last leg of journey from New York to Raleigh, NC carries a ticket that lets me take only 2 pieces and the third will set me back by at least a couple of hundred dollars which is a significant amount. But, since the original ticket has 3 pieces the last piece shouldn’t be an issue — but that is something I need to confirm. I really feel these posts are more or less rants and I would love to streamline thoughts to 2-3 differing topics from time to time to : 1) Bring something of value into these posts and 2) Have something to read before I post stuff, otherwise it looks like immature and absolutely devoid of any purpose.

In earlier posts I have spoken of the different feelings I go through emotionally in different circumstances. Emotional baggage is something that every person carries. The intensity and the reasons are, of course, vastly differing from one individual to another. I respect people who respect other people’s emotional baggage. There are a few people who conveniently ignore the fact that everyone carries traumatic experiences in their heads and they can pop up at unexpected times due to unexpected reasons, causing severe backlashes and bitter memories.

It is a common misbelief emotional baggages are embarked upon shoulders only due to parting of loved ones, shattering of dreams, etc. But my belief is every instance can spark positive and negative memories that add up to good and bad emotions being triggered in the head. People must respect this fact and start appreciating the fact we as humans have an ability to rollercoaster between exhilarating and depressing moments in life, in equal measures. The Almighty never delays memories that are meant to be, and we as his subjects need to relish everything on offer. That said, I am no theist who professes an existence of God. I am a pantheist, who bows down to the powers of Nature. I have a friend who is now studying religion from multiple sources, leaving behind a career in economics, logistics and offshore supply chain management. When I was interacting with him over coffee, I could really see passion in his eyes. He believes the World runs on the doctrines of the different religions and the purpose of religion is yet to be uncovered and as the World comes closer, smaller thanks to extensive globalization, less diverse thanks to evangelism, religion as an entity will serve a greater purpose. He wishes he could be an apologist of Hinduism one day.

I am a Hindu by birth and I love the religion but its rituals are outdated and often misconstrued. But, but, but.. I digress. Like I had emphasized in the previous paragraph, I wanted to talk about passion.

I totally love people who are passionate about some thing. I, for one, am passionate about tennis, football, cricket and FIFA. Although I can talk about anything for hours, if it came to these things, I can engage in an interesting conversation for days together. That passion to do something, that passion to learn about something, that passion to pursue something is infectious and is a trait found in very few people. Some people sheepishly grin to convey in the negative when I question them as to what their passion is. That is very sad. Our life is short and we really need to acquire and develop a certain passion. It could be very trivial, but the passion will naturally show through and it wouldn’t be tough seeing it in their speech and their eyes.

This was a cake my friend baked for my brother’s birthday

India is a country where women are still struggling to find their version of “We Can Do It” and the Rosie the Riveters.. Freedom of views and opinions has not permeated into every household and the remnants of the battle in the US has slowly started to show in the Indian families and women of all age groups are now breaking free of the handcuffs that they have been in for centuries in this aggressive patriarchal society. In such a situation, finding girls with a true passion is a rarity and when I do, I am truly impressed and my curiosity spikes. I have a friend who is absolutely passionate about code, one who is passionate about baking, one who is passionate about dancing. Despite these being commonplace, it is wonderful having these people around you because their passion is contagious. It leads you to lead a productive life, it helps you develop a passion if you don’t have any.

Sometimes life throws in so many people at us, we reject it like an angry recruiter because they didn’t have good looks or good qualifications on their resume; but hardly do we realize they can do so much for the firm (yourself, in this case) solely due to their personality. They know what they want and they go get it. I am thankful to the Almighty he set up circumstances to help me know a few.

That’s it for this post, it has been long enough. Until the next time.

Shopping and Fitness

I forgot to write my journal yesterday but I really did want to write but I’m not going to lie that I was lazy to do it. Nonetheless, few things for today.

I got a new suit from Raymond’s. It cost my father a bomb but I’m sure with the dapper looks I’ll be able to land a decent enough job to pay it back to my old man. Some of my friends are very well off and they can afford to throw money around carelessly. But I am from a moderate income family and I need to bear that in mind when it comes to expenditure. That aside, the suit looks good and fits just right. I’m sure I would throw a few recruiters off guard with my stunning looks.

Self flattery can be reserved for another time. I have only 16 days to fly to the US. That’s a very short time. I have bought my things and most of the shopping has been completed. I only wish I had more time, but when haven’t we wished so. So far, I have got myself three tees, two shirts, two Levi’s jeans, one Converse sneakers, two Chino shorts and a wonderful pair of cargo trouser shorts from M&S. I shall post my entire shopping list plus whatever I carry in a separate post.

Next on the list is the thing about fitness. I am nowhere near fit and my food habits are as poor as my flirting skills, of which I shall talk about in a later time. Anyway, fitness… I am a lazy person, a very hungry person. I am lazy when I am hungry and I am hungry when I am lazy and laziness and perpetual hunger is a very dangerous combination resulting in the manufacture of flabby, blubbery tyres around the waist resulting in no sex and very smelly aura around the person. My diet is haphazard and there is lot of added sugar intake. Starting from today, I am going to consciously avoid products with added sugar. Of course it is going to be difficult to let go of it, it is going to be as hard as taking your eyes off a hot woman’s breasts, but yes, one must expend extra energy to stay off from the silent evil. Here’s FDA’s official report on what added sugars are and where they can be found in day-to-day diets. Things as simple as yogurt and whole milk contain so much empty calories, they often do not give you energy but sneak into your buttocks, waists and the f—ing thighs and scream “I can’t f—ing enter into your f—ing pencil-fit jeans!” and FFS you were a 34 already and you were wearing comfort fit, let alone slim fit.

I run daily. A lot. I run 7-8 km and walk a couple of kilometers. But is it enough? Do I burn enough to lose weight or lose the f—ing fat around my belly? I am not too sure, so I did a quick Google search. I have not been eating clean — that is, I have been eating a lot of fried junk and items with a lot of added sugars. You can read about empty calories in this another FDA report.

Something other than just added sugars and empty calories that has been worrying me is the fact that in the US the portions are much larger and my appetite would naturally increase which is not a good thing. Anyway, here’s to a great week and a lovely fortnight ahead to the beginning of Fall.

 

Cheers. Until the next time I sit to write the journal.

My first journal entry — July 17th, 2015

I have always felt a compelling need to start writing journals, for the lack of compulsion to write a physical diary that is next to impossible because, I can never pull myself to hold a pen, grab a notebook and pour my thoughts out, as much as I can flip my laptop out and type a few hundred words.

Often I wonder what life has in store for me next, I conjure fairytale dreams for myself and for my loved ones, but I forget to cherish this moment, this very fleeting moment of beauty. Life is short — the statement is as old as time itself, but, despite being said to death, the statement holds true, nonetheless. Although I keep chanting the same inside my head as soon as I wake up heart says, “Well, why don’t you watch this TV show? Or maybe, go out and grab an ice cream with a friend? Or, f— it, seat your a– down and play video games until you’re bored of it.” Hence, I said ‘Enough is enough, let me get to doing stuff rather than just dreaming about it.’

So, two things in today’s journal.

1. Death: Something that I have always been intrigued and uncomfortable talking about, in equal proportions. I have a few friends who wreath together lines of verse that paint a beautiful picture of death. They seem to churn out works of art that make it seem like something coveted, something we all must yearn for. On the other hand, it sends eerie sounds down my ear canal, resonates knelling of a funeral bell inside my cranium and launches pulses down my spine. I am a happy-go-lucky 21-year old. The days of my life are filled with joy, satisfaction, love, laziness, gluttony and self-satisfaction of the sexual desires. But come nightfall, I slip into an unknown realm of darkness, whose roads seem to fade away into the horizon, whose pathways seem to be dotted with potholes of despair, reflectors of the grayest hue and the place I am dropped into is engulfed by the deafening noise of isolation.

The people in India are very sensitive about this topic, or at least the ones I am associated with are apprehensive about it and often veer away from the subject of termination of life. My best friend is a doctor (not a psychologist or a psychotherapist) and she says these are “normal, but disturbing.” I do not understand how my body works, I am a not-so-smart engineer from a metropolis in India, who intends to fly to the United States for my graduate education, so expecting me to introspect and analyze my biological functioning is practically not feasible.

At every step of my life, I only see the day when my era ends, when my stipulated time to impress the Gods is complete and I am relieved of all worldly duties. That said, I do not have suicidal tendencies, I am a person who does not believe in suicides and will not succumb to it. Nevertheless, I have come to terms with the fact that I need to visit a psycho-whatever-ist and I have been told, my university has a few consultants and doctors who can help me with this, at little or no fees, which brings me to the second topic of the journal which I am going to come to in a little while after I wind up with this. Today morning I read this gripping write-up : *WARNING: Not for the faint-hearted* That wonderful piece. It talks about what happens moments after a human is decapitated, milliseconds to seconds. It is quite a long read, about 15-20 minutes, but it is worth investing your time upon. A lot of things get cleared up in your head and few clouds perspire and some get dark and heavy. I shall talk more about it in my next entry but for now, I shall move to the next subject of today’s journal entry, money.

2. Money: I was born into a humble lower-middle class family. I have a proverbial rich uncle, but my father was a simple sales manager at retail businesses. Money has always been a resource that has not been at my disposal for most parts of my life. My father has struggled to educate me and my brother, to run the household and I often bury my face into my pillow, like an ostrich, during nights and tell it tales of how I love my father and how much I have let him down over time in terms of being a spendthrift despite trying to be meticulous in terms of money management.

My father has sacrificed his blood and sweat to put three meals on my plate every day. It is all money, and until recently, he has never taken money on credit at all, but for his monthly credit cards, for which he has no history of default and no history of arrears in tax-paying. He is my financial superhero and will always be so.

When I grow up, when I make some money for myself, I will make sure I have them all segregated into several parts and save them for my life’s ambitions. I have goals for travel, gratitude and desires. I look forward to a time, when I earn enough to put significant amount of money into these three segments of savings every month to realize each dream as and when they show up in my life. My life’s ambitions are for another time, but today I just wish I can manage my finances well and make my father proud.

Until the next time, I convince myself to sit and type a journal out, good luck and best of health to you.